Bum Reviews Sonic OVA
by classicdisney4thewin
Summary: The Sonic the Hedgehog anime movie from 1996 reviewed by yours truly Chester A. Bum


Bum Reviews: Sonic OVA

"And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review, Sonic the Hedgehog OVA."

"Oh my God this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!"

Chester runs in place, facing the camera.

"Gotta go fast, gotta go SPOILERS!"

"There's this blue hedgehog named Sonic who can run really really fast! And his best friend Tails who's a yellow fox and can fly using his tails like a propeller. And they're accompanied by a red echidna who's dressed like Harrison Ford on a quest to save the world!"

"Already this scenario reminds me of this one time I got super high in the woods!"

"We were trying to deliver porridge to Little Red Riding Hood."

"But the really weird thing about this movie is that the characters have the weirdest voices ever!"

"Like Sonic sounds like Steve from American Dad! And Harrison Ford the Echidna doesn't even sound like Harrison Ford! And Tails sounds like a girl…but with a cold."

"Anyway!"

"The movie begins on a beach! And this Owl who looks like he just graduated from college visits Sonic! And he tells them of a great prophecy!"

The Bum faces the right side of the room and spews out a bunch of jibberish while waving his arms around. The camera then switches over to the other side of the set.

"Soooooo the President wants to meet with us?"

The Bum continues his jibberish. The camera switches back to 'Sonic' giving a thumbs up.

"Got it!"

"So Sonic and Tails fly to the White House!"

"Where apparently its being run BY A FREAKIN FURRY!"

"I have no idea what animal he's supposed to be!"

"He looks like a cat, but at the same time a chimpanzee!"

"Or a moose."

"Or a hippopotamus."

"Or a I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE!"

"So Sonic and Tails come in, and it turns out evil Dr. Eggma- I mean Robotnik is there waiting for them!"

"Hey Sonic I know we're arch rivals and we hate each other to the core but I built this robot generator somewhere in the depths of what should be hell but for some reason is called The Land of Darkness and it's going to blow up the world. Will you do me a solid and shut it off before we all die?"

"Well if you built it yourself why can't you go down there and shut it off?!"

"Because even though I have an IQ of 300 I'm always still the lazy, bumbling idiot who makes mistakes both in the games and the shows and the comics and this movie and the-"

"Alright Alright! We'll go shut it off!"

"So while Sonic and Tails travel on a plane, while Sonic is standing on the freakin wing!"

The Bum waves his arms around as he slides from the left side of the room to the right.

"I'm defying gravity!"

"Robotnik and the President's daughter, Sara, who looks like that furry cat chick from Foodfight."

"But to be fair Sara looks a lot more like a cat."

"Are playing a videogame…because COMEDY!"

"Oh and then she gets trapped in this space cabin thing and she's just suddenly thrown into the movie."

"But the weird part about it is SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"All she does is pose for pedophiles, wear skimpy clothes, care only about herself except for the hero, and EVERBODY with a penis HAS to have a crush on her whether she's under-age or not."

While the Bum is standing in the middle of the room thinking to himself, a picture of Bulma from Dragonball Z slowly floats by.

"Hmm she really reminds of this one chick from an anime who acts just like that and is only used as a tool…but I can't quite remember who she is, but I KNOW she has blue hair…OHH I KNOW NOW! Dawn from Pokemon! God it all makes sense now!"

"So Sonic and Tails arrive at The Land of Darkness!"

"But they're stopped by Metal Robotnik!"

"So what does Sonic do?!"

"HE FLIPS HIM OFF!"

"Remember kids! You can give the finger to those who try to murder you, but if you do that to anyone else, that is no good!"

"So Sonic and Tails fight Metal Robotnik…by running away."

"But then Harrison Ford the Echidna comes in!"

"Hurray!"

"And he kicks ass!"

"Hurray!"

"And just like Harrison Ford in those other movies from the 80's, he's off to look for treasure while wearing that classic cowboy hat!"

"Hurray!"

"And he can fly!"

"Hurra- whaaat?!"

"Sooooo he's Super Harrison Ford the Echidna Man?"

"Anyway, Super Harrison Ford the Echidna Man joins Sonic and Tails on their journey!"

"And he's like!"

"I know I said I was going to continue looking for treasure and hide from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, but I decided I should help you guys destroy the robot generator I know nothing about."

"And they're like!"

"Ok we'll let you come along! As long as you don't give Spielberg and Lucas any ideas!"

"So they go to the robot generator thing! Which looks like it's in the middle of an amusement park!"

"See Eggman you didn't have to build your Disneyland rip-off in Unleashed and Colors, you already have one waiting for you in hell."

"I had an amusement park waiting for me in hell once!"

"After listening to It's A Small World 865 times in a row I've considered becoming a Mormon."

"So then Sonic runs to the generator, and he turns it off at the very last second!"

"I knew I could turn this thing off and save the world at the very last second! This is a movie after all, everything happens at the very last second to give it that suspenseful feel!"

"And the adventure's over!"

"Hurray!"

"WRONG! It's not over!"

"This core thing that was inside the generator starts to spew out electricity and gives the room an awesome green strobe light effect!"

"AND THEN AN EARTHQUAKE HAPPENS AND EVERYTHING STARTS TO RUMBLE!"

"And who's inside of the core you may ask?!"

"Metal Sonic!"

"That's right Sonic has a robot clone now!"

"I had a robot clone once!"

"He transformed into a car and drove away, JUST when I was going to move out of the Safeway parking lot!"

"So Metal Robotnik comes back! But the biggest twist of all was it was actually Sara and Robotnik who were really Metal Robotnik all along!"

"Mwah-ha ha ha! We were Metal Robotnik all along!"

"But why we're you trying to kill my friends and I when we were doing you a favor to save The Land of Darkness from being blown up by shutting off the generator you CLEARLY did not know how to shut off?"

The camera switches over to 'Tails's' perspective.

"And didn't Sonic like chop you in half? Shouldn't you both be dead?"

"Don't question me I have an IQ of 300!"

"I'm starting to doubt that now."

"So Metal Sonic and Sonic start fighting! And they're flying all around the city and throwing each other around!"

"And just when it looks like Metal Sonic won, Tails comes up with a brilliant idea to help their blue blur hero!"

"We have to go back home and leave Sonic in The Land of Darkness to fend for himself!"

"But why?"

"Because they both somehow make it back to the Land of the Sky without any unexplainable transition except for the fact that there was a sudden warp zone back in Robotroplois."

"So the next day, Metal Sonic, Sonic, Tails, Robotnik, Sara, and Super Harrison Ford the Echidna Man return to the Land of the Sky and try to figure out what to add to the plot in order to extend the length of the OVA!"

"Because a clone fight between the two fastest hedgehogs alive apparently wasn't enough!"

"So we have a kidnapping of the President!"

Chester mimics 'Kidnap the Sandy Claws' tune from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

"Kidnap the president, throw him in the plot! Put him with explosives, then see if he'll rot!"

"And Sara being forced into marriage because Robotnik suddenly turned into a certain turtle hermit!"

"I was forced into marriage once!"

"Last time I was on a computer I ended up having to role-play as Bella Swan with a 47 year old guy from Wyoming."

"And splitting apart these two glaciers because the magma from underneath will destroy all of the continents and consume the planet!"

"Please don't turn this into Ice Age Continental Drift."

"Also I'm no geologist or anything but how exactly would that work?"

"How can glaciers link all the continents like that and hold rivers of magma that will consume the whole planet?"

"Back to the movie!"

"So Metal Sonic and Sonic continue fighting at the North Pole in order to save the world and the unknown furry species President!"

"But all of a sudden when you least expect it!"

"SUPER HARRISON FORD THE ECHIDNA MAN LOSES HIS HAT!"

The Bum runs around and sobs.

"Whyy?! Oh why did this have to happen why why why?!"

Chester bends down and grabs a large, plastic bazooka gun.

"Metal Sonic, you're going down!"

"So all of a sudden the President is about to die along with the Land of the Sky I guess, but who happens to save him?!"

"Metal Sonic!"

"That's right! He just suddenly changed sides because he felt like it!"

Chester looks down at his weapon and frowns.

"Perhaps I should put this away."

He slowly puts it back down on the ground just before it fired a bullet off set and blew up off screen.

"So Metal Sonic falls into an abyss, and Sonic decides to save him!"

"Metal Sonic grab my hand!"

"Why?"

"So in the future you can show up in Mario and Sonic Olympic Games! And the comics! And the comic-cons! And deviantart! And fanfiction! And Sonic Generations! And Sonic Boom!"

"Holy smokes I never knew I'd be that missed!"

"Dude it's the freakin Sonic fanbase! No character is ever left behind…except for Sara."

"Hey!"

"Well ok, I guess I can change my mind and have another shot at-"

He suddenly falls to the ground with an avalanche sound effect.

"Metal!"

"So after Metal Sonic dies, Sonic, Tails, Super Harrison Ford the Echidna Man!"

"Without his beloved hat."

"And…uh everyone else! Continue to live their lives by running off into the sunset…only on a glacier."

"The end!"

"So yeah Sonic OVA was a really good movie! But I just really wish I knew how a glacier could possibly hold continents together, rivers of magma and destroy the world."

On the other side of the room, Doug, dressed as Indiana Jones with a Superman cape and red yarn as fake dreadlocks walks in.

"Oh my God! Its Super Harrison Ford the Echidna Man!"

"I hear you had a question about something that didn't make sense in Sonic OVA?"

"Yes! How exactly does a glacier hold continents together, rivers of magma, and have the capacity to destroy the world?"

The two stare at each other for a long time.

"I'm a fucking archeologist not a geologist! I have no idea how that shit works! It's based off of a videogame for God sakes! Logic doesn't matter!"

"Oh…"

Doug walks away, swinging a whip over his back.

"Hobos…why'd it have to be hobos?"

"Ahem…This is Chester A. Bum saying, change?! You got change?! Oh come on help a guy out will you?! Come on! I'd be more than happy to sell my robot clone! Maybe make a deal with SEGA to put him in Sonic Boom?"


End file.
